Thoughts in October

Cold rain arrived, and Chengdu’s temperature dropped significantly. Combined with my reckless mixing of baijiu and beer, I caught a cold. I was watching The Truman Show on TV and blowing my nose when my mom threw a pair of fuzzy slippers at my feet and told me to put them on. Winter was here! Whenever she rummaged through the closet for fuzzy slippers, you didn’t need a weather forecast to know that meteorological winter had arrived. But wearing the fuzzy slippers somehow made it feel even colder. A chill ran across my shoulders, so I went to the room and put on socks — suddenly warm as spring.

Only then could I settle down to write this blog post, otherwise October would slip by.

An alumni asked why I hadn’t updated the blog in so long, and why I lacked the fiery energy I had in my school days. I said I’d turned into an idiot, and that was that. First, I’ve grown lazy about reading — new books sit untouched on the shelf after I buy them, gather dust, then get packed into storage boxes with mothballs, like a ritual before museum archiving. Second, I use social media less, narrowing my perspective and rarely distilling knowledge. Third, I take the path of least resistance — too lazy to tinker. I haven’t even updated my blog software to follow the developer’s releases. That’s a clinical sign of my OCD being cured. Fourth, I feel somewhat powerless about learning new things. My interest comes and goes, inconsistently. All of this makes me feel like an idiot. And that’s not even the worst part — the biggest problem is that I’m too lazy to change any of this, always telling myself there’s plenty of time.

Then there’s the ongoing mortgage, dragging on with no end in sight, genuinely lowering my quality of life. With my uncontrollable material desires plus mortgage and living expenses, I have to find ways to earn more. If my monthly income dips below 5-6k, anxiety sets in.

And it’s not just pressure from myself — my parents have expectations too. My mom asks how much savings I have, and I always struggle to answer. My dad wants me to put up tens of thousands of yuan so he can add some more and buy me a Kia K3 or a Fiat Viaggio. Cars are a man’s side-piece, but at this stage, I can barely maintain one, let alone afford one. So I’ve turned him down twice.

I’m always reluctant to show people my most pathetic state. When anyone asks how I’m doing, I give the same answer: “Getting by. Under a lot of pressure.”

Not only am I in bad shape personally, but the broader environment is terrible too. Being in the liquor industry — which has been struggling these past two years — makes it easy to extrapolate to the national economy. It feels like no industry is having an easy time right now. Real estate is the same. On my commute to work, there’s a newly developed residential complex. When it first launched, a huge sign on the fence read “Starting from 7898 per square meter.” Half a year later, the price kept dropping — “7598,” then “7398.” Recently the number on the wall read “7198.” Some kind-hearted jerk had scraped a gash in one wall, revealing the “7398” underneath, the ink still glaringly bright — like someone’s pants had fallen down.

So many cities used to have purchase restrictions, and now only a handful remain. The government’s intention to rescue the market is obvious, but consumers still aren’t biting. A quick news search shows that bank deposits have declined year-over-year. I’m genuinely curious — where did all the RMB go?

Legend has it that when real estate is doing well, the stock index drops, and when housing prices fall, the index rises. So I topped up my stock account — dormant for over two years — with some money and bought LeTV shares. I was really bullish on its potential as a future leader in home entertainment. Who could have guessed that within a month, the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television would issue two directives restricting the development of internet TV, shattering all my fantasies. The Chinese stock market — yeah, right!

Everyone is looking for their own way out. A colleague who loves popping into my office asked me about processing herbal medicine or brewing my own liquor. I said both were great — bright prospects, clear profit models. “Let’s do it together!”

And yet… to this day, I haven’t taken the first step. November is almost here…